This is not going to be an easy read, so I need to get some things said off the cuff – you are not going to like some of what you read next, this is not meant to blame you, but to help me take FULL responsibility for my current situation
Over the past few months I have been doing a lot of thinking about “who I am” and “what I want to be”. I came to the realization that I am who I am, regardless of what you think of me, and that ‘what’ I want to be can no longer be defined by what you expect of me. I have faced my Denial, my escapist behavior and have arrived at a point where I am now discovering more about my essential self – who I really am, and getting very uncomfortable with that side of me. The Social self has been admonished and put into a space where I can view it at my own pace. I can step out of situations and see the two sides of me clearly, and also see which side is ‘driving’ the situation.
Anyway, I tend to ramble on and on, but more on that later. For now, I need to deal with this little thing called the ‘White Lie’. I have become painfully aware that I tend to do this more than a little on occasion. And now I know why I have always told lies,
- to protect the other persons feelings,
- to protect myself,
- to gain some small non existent advantage,
- to cover for a perceived weakness,
- to appear strong,
- to appear weak,
- to be a friend,
- to try to live up to an expectation of me that I have created – in your mind
and so on. I looked it up – I could be a pathological liar, or not – depends if you want the truth or the lie (that’s supposed to be a joke…)
Back to the lies. It all started way back when I was just a little kid. I lied because I could. Simple really. I had a very active imagination, and this sort of creeped over into my real world. But I guess what I really learned back then was that the truth was not very pleasant. That whenever I told the truth I got into to trouble – reprimanded, punished. So to protect myself I learned to lie – with a straight face, and backed it up with twists and plots that I learned from all the books I read. I guess I became the consummate liar, polished and very believable. At some point, the lies became true, because I really believed that if you told it long enough that people eventually believed the lie to be true. In my defense I must say that they were not the big whopper type of lies, designed to hurt, but more of the small little ones that sort of slid by without being noticed. Alas, they were to lead to much bigger problems, but who was to know?
As I grew older the lying changed – I started lying to myself. I started making myself believe that some things were true when they were just not so. I developed a really good method of survival – deny everything, abscond responsibility, blame everyone and anyone, refuse to ‘grow’ up and just be a rebel. In my early teens I would lie about my friends, where I was going, what I was doing. Even though there really was no need to do this – I did it anyway. I wanted my own freedom above all else, at a time when I didn’t even know what that freedom was. But I did it, and got away with it – most of the time.
*quick aside* I must just say that the lying led to some other ‘bad’ stuff, like stealing opportunistically, but that I was somehow more socially aware of that problem – the consequences for stealing was going to jail – a place I had visited and did not like at all – again, the freedom thing. Doing drugs also didn’t work for me – I was pretty clean cut back then – a pack of Camels and that’s about it really, and also the getting hooked to anything was not a chance I wanted to take.
Ask anyone who I grew up with and they will all say the same thing – I was very naughty – always catching on shit, breaking the rules (and the neighbors windows) and generally causing mayhem. I was the little boy with the kattie in his back pocket, always looking for the just the right size stone. Ah, the glory days….But again, I ramble on – this is starting to sound nostalgic – and that is not what I wanted to achieve here.
What I want to get off my chest today is that I know I have a lying problem, and now I know what it is I can no longer do it. I need my own little TRC now – so here comes the painful bit. Just remember, this is not meant to blame you for anything
*things I have lied about to you*
I lied about what I am doing – I’m not really working as hard or as smart as I can
So where is the pain you ask? Its not your actual pain, but again, its more my perception of what you will ‘feel’ when I lay the truth on you. I want you to know that I am no longer able to live up to your expectations. I cannot ‘be’ what you want me to ‘be’. It’s a little too late to try and make me into what you think I should be. And it hurts when I think of the times when I should have (living in the past) been guided and wasn’t. Now, I am in a new space – its called Authentic me. The real deal. Take it or leave it. And if you think its hard for you to hear this – then its twice as hard for me.
I have had my ups and downs these past few years – and I think that 2008 is going to be another year I will look back on as really special. Perhaps I am slow to see the light, but its taken me a while to get to the point where I can admit to what my flaws are. Perhaps writing this out to you (still not sure who you are) will help me clarify my thinking. Relieve some pressure perhaps?
