10 August 2009
Dear Dad
I write this letter, to try to clarify my thinking, and to shed some light on what I am going through at the moment.
I woke some time during the night, and started thinking back, back to a time when I was just a little child, and I could not recall ever spending any time alone with you. Not a single memory of just you and me. I felt very sad then, because I suppose if anyone asked me what I would want the most, then that would be it – just some time alone with you, without any distractions, without any one else to take your attention from me. I guess that I needed this all my life and never got it, and maybe that’s why I am the person I am today. I think of my own son now, and know that I must make time to connect with him, to understand him, his needs and desires and develop a relationship with him.
I approach my 40th birthday, you are now almost 64? And I know that our time together is not going to be for that much longer. And it pains me to think that I have not been able to live up to your expectations. Although I take responsibility for my actions, a lot of what I have done in the past has been based on getting your attention. And any attention is better than no attention. I was granted the moniker of troublemaker at a very young age, I was always the one getting into trouble. My earliest recollections are of getting into hot water for some or other child hood prank. The naughty one. The black sheep. And so on. Labels, and more labels. Some even said that I would not amount to much, probably end up in prison someone said. Ok, that last thing did happen – an overnighter – but nothing to be overly concerned about ( I always had a lasting love of freedom which will always keep me centered and out of prison).
So what is this about then? Ok, I thought about it some more and it comes down to this. Is it possible to have a healthy relationship with you, based on the idea that we agree to disagree? I do believe we have fundamental differences in the most important areas of our relationship – religion, family values, politics and more.
But for us to agree to disagree, I suppose I would need to disclose some information that may be a bit of shock to your senses, your system, and I certainly do not want to be responsible for giving you another stress induced heart attack. So lets take it slowly and see where it ends ok?
With regard to my ingrained belief system. I acknowledge that there is a God, A god who does not need anything from me. Shall we leave it at that for now? I do not think that discussing the merits or demerits of one system of belief over another bears discussion at this point. Suffice to say that I admire your devotion to your belief system and I am happy that this system works for you. At the same time, I need you to know that it does not appeal to me personally. Perhaps one day it will, but for now we need to agree that it is OK for me to be different and that this difference should not be a cause for us not to be in a relationship.
I have made some decisions that have not had the desired results, granted, and at times I have made some foolish and rash decisions, but I really do not have any regrets. I do not believe that having regrets is a healthy or positive thing, but perhaps I need to ask your forgiveness for some of those actions that have hurt you or caused you pain.
I need you to forgive me for taking life changing decisions without first consulting you. I refer here to when I decided to marry Joline.
I need your forgiveness for not measuring up to your expectations of what I could have been – academically. I refer here to not completing my time at university.
I need you to forgive me for the times I caused you pain and hurt through foolish actions, foolish words spoken in anger to you and mother, and other generally stupid things I have said and done. I refer here to so many things, you can recall them should you wish to…
I speak now of compassion and understanding. I need your compassion in this regard. I know that you are a caring and understanding individual. But I have never really understood you on a deeper level. And I don’t think you have ever really understood me at a deeper level either. I have been through therapy sessions in trying to deal with this understanding or lack thereof, and it has only ever gained for me a temporary relief. That I have chose to write this, and thus far with the clarity of a drug filled mind (flu medication, nothing more I promise), in as simple manner as possible, and that it should be readable with the view to gaining an insight into my mind at this time, that is my objective. We are like two strangers at times, and at other times I revert to being that little boy again, wanting nothing more than your approval as my father, my caregiver, the one who I can look to in times of need.
I have spent time looking at my life – from the outside, from the eyes of those around me. I have faced, full on, the person I have become. I have tasted success, financially, and have also been a victim of that same success. I have learnt that money can buy lots of stuff, and that the same stuff can give one a cold and superficial meaning to life. I have immersed myself in the trapping of easily gotten wealth, and I have seen the futility of that life. The temporary cessation of pain, how money can ease the discomfort, but never buy the one thing we all crave – happiness and a fulfilled life of abundance. But most importantly, I have learnt that chasing the money dream is akin to chasing the early morning mist – futile and temporary because as the sun comes out, that mist evaporates, leaving nothing but the desire to chase the mist another day. Of failure I can also relate to. I have had opportunities that many would have converted into a meaningful life. I have failed, but I have never stopped trying to find the elusive thing I am in search of. I still am not always sure of what that thing is, but I am hopeful that I will find it one day, hopefully before its too late. For now, I am happy within myself, where the demons of the past cannot get to me. I look to the future now with renewed hope energy and vigour. For without a dream what am I to become.
On responsibility to those I care most about. I am now vitally aware of the passing of time. Age seems to be catching up with me. I awake with the thought that the drifting carefree life I have led has a serious downside – that I am in danger of becoming that thing I resent most – a drifter, a down and out bum. I know now that even though I am down, I am most certainly not out. That accepting responsibility for my situation now means taking the needed action to get out of that place. To make a life for my children that they can be proud of whom they are. Now, more than ever, I have accepted my responsibility to them. They need me now more than ever, and that my actions from here on in will make all the difference to what they will become.
But to be able to move forward from this point, I need to close and resolve the issues of my past that haunt me. The constant need of approval – yours foremost, and others in my peer group. The need for approval from my family, friends and business associates. I have come to terms with this on some levels, but not on the most important one – your approval. How can I gain your approval? How can I measure up, when I do not even know what yardstick you are measuring me with. Your own relationship with your father I know so little of, but could unresolved issues between the two of you be the reason why we cannot meet on this level? My sisters are all well off and seem on the outside at least to be living the quality life that you would have wished for them. You mentioned, in passing once, that when Bibi got married you could relax and get on with you r life, knowing that your obligation as a father had been completed now that she has found a husband. But the meaning of that was a lot deeper to me – when, if ever, did your obligation end to me as your only son? Did I miss something here?
Our relationship appears OK on the surface. We can talk about most things non personal, but we never appear to be able to dig deeper. Your reluctance to engage on a deeper level could be down to your not wishing to be confrontational, or it could simply be a way out of accepting the differences between us. Anyway, that is something we could engage in this dialogue, should you wish to engage.
What am I asking for then? I am asking for you to accept me the way I am, with my inequities and my human failings. I am asking for you to accept me the way I am. Accept that you have indeed instilled in me a moral compass that is pointing in the right direction. That my method of finding Nirvana is going to be different to yours. That I am going to make mistakes, and that I will learn from those mistakes. That all I ask for is your 100% support, unequivocally and in everything I seek.
I know that this will not be easy for you to give. I know that I may be asking a really big ask, but ask I must. Will you give me your blessings? As I am?
